Help for couples with ADHD relationship dynamics.
Love and ADHD: Unique dynamics. Specialized support.
I want you to know this: you can have a great relationship with each other.
Every relationship has its challenges, especially when partners think and process information in radically different ways.
What is ADHD?
Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a lifelong condition characterized by impulsivity, inattention, emotional dysregulation, and/or hyperactivity. These traits can create a mixed experience: while ADHD can be a superpower that spurs endless hobbies, curiosity, and spontaneous adventures, it can also lead to neglected responsibilities and heightened conflicts.
People with ADHD constantly navigate a world not built for them, with their partners often feeling the ripples of those obstacles, making their relationships more complex.
The impact of unaddressed (or under-addressed) ADHD on a relationship can make you feel awful and alone – living in a relationship that is not really the same as other couples you know.
Many of my couples feel like their relationship takes up all of their time and they come to me tired. They have worked for years to figure out what is going on, and it’s exhausting to “do the work” without making lasting progress. With the right support and strategies, you can create meaningful change and reconnect with one another.
You might be in a relationship impacted by ADHD if these dynamics feel familiar:
As the partner without ADHD:
You hold more of the executive functioning for both of you, so feel like you have to pay attention and track and follow up on everything (even things that are your partners’ responsibility) so nothing falls through the cracks.
You feel more like a parent than a partner.
You are brimming with frustration, resentment and anger – you just want your partner to share the load!
You see your partner trying but you are struggling to trust them. It’s hard to keep hoping for change when it lasts for a couple of weeks or months, and then things go back to the way they were before.
You’re hurt by how candid conversations become big fights. You both feel defensive and unseen, and wonder how you got here.
You know their brain works differently and struggle to fully understand how. At times, it feels like you’re speaking different languages.
You know the world is not built for them, and feel protective of how they’re seen. You don’t know how to shield them, and may wish you didn’t have to.
As the partner with ADHD:
You feel like you don’t want to risk doing something wrong and make your partner angry or disappointed…again.
Your frustration bubbles over so quickly, and once you’re upset it’s hard to calm down.
You feel like you keep trying and trying and it’s never good enough. Your partner always finds something to be upset about.
Day-to-day tasks feel harder for you, and you may struggle to articulate why. When you do, your partner just doesn’t fully get it. Your struggles are misinterpreted as something you can control, so when a ball gets dropped, instead of seeing your caring, you are seen as lazy or uncaring. You may feel misunderstood and unseen, and don’t know how to show up differently.
You feel like there’s not room to be you, and do things your way in the relationship.
You don’t like feeling like a kid or an employee in your relationship, but you have a thousand tabs open in your mind, and prioritizing which one to focus on in your relationship can feel like a zero sum game.
You feel awfully about how ADHD has affected you both, it’s almost too painful to acknowledge sometimes.
The authentic you that was once adored for your spontaneity and curiosity no longer feels welcomed or cherished.
Grow together
Couples Intensives for relationships where one or both people have ADHD
Whether you’ve tried couples counseling and found it lacking, or are new to the ADHD and love world, you have come to the right place.
The very good news is that there is a LOT we know about what helps couples with ADHD relationship dynamics to feel connected, balanced and good together.
A couples intensive is the first step to establishing a new normal for your relationship.
Picture a reality where you have new systems for chores and there just isn’t the same stress around the trash and laundry. Now, when you have a fight, you both know how to get back to good, and you know how to help fights not get so bad in the first place. You have better ways to tell your partner what you need from them, and they are doing a better job hearing you and responding to you. Not only can you relax into trusting and respecting each other again, but you can have fun together again!
All relationships have their challenges – and ADHD-impacted relationships have particular ways of being hard – but facing the challenges is much easier with a clear, reliable roadmap.
Couples’ Intensives are a great fit for couples with ADHD relationship dynamics!
The structured time and focused guidance helps to bring attention into the “now” while also helping communication stay productive.
Intensives don’t require the task-switching that weekly therapy does (where you stop what you’re doing, go to therapy, do therapy, start up what you were doing again)...so we can really get down to business and make progress.
You’ll also have a better sense after just 3 days of what will help you take real steps towards your new normal.
Everything we do together is aimed to help you experience something different during your intensive, so you can enact a new normal at home more easily.
Why am I qualified to work with couples with ADHD relationship dynamics?
I am a couples expert who has dedicated over a decade of my career to working exclusively with couples full time, including teaching couples therapy at the graduate level, and training and supervising other couples therapists. I focused my own training on proven couples therapy models that focus on how to enact meaningful shifts in couples dynamics.
And, ADHD relationship patterns are my area of specialization within couples work.
I am an expert member of the consultant cohort in the ADHD and Marriage consultant program, training and consulting directly with Melissa Orlov, and leading groups for non-ADHD partners as a part of the ADHD & Marriage program. Additionally, I am the Director the Intent to Action Membership Program, made especially for couples with ADHD relationship dynamics.
Change is possible.
faqs
Common questions about ADHD relationship dynamics and Couples Counseling
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Yes — adults with ADHD can and do have successful relationships.
There’s a lot to say here, so first I’ll name that there is a neurotypical bias in our society that can shape what your idea is of the definition of “successful.”
Most everyone in long term relationships have to reckon with the fantasy of what they thought the relationship was going to be like – and work with the reality. This is certainly a facet of creating a happy relationship when you have ADHD relationship dynamics.
What we know from the research and loads of anecdotal reports, is that when each person in the relationship is accountable for whatever issues they bring, then the relationship tends to be happier and healthier. This can include family issues, depression, anxiety, trauma and yes, ADHD. In ADHD relationships, we are looking for both people to become reliable enough to sustain trust and foster connection.
When relationships with ADHD dynamics fail, there are a lot of reasons that happens – some of which may not have to do with ADHD!
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Just like there’s no one way that ADHD shows up in people, there’s no one way it shows up in relationships. But when one or both people in a relationship have ADHD, you can see some patterns. Here’s a couple common ones:
Often there’s a parent/child dynamic where one person takes on more of the executive functioning over time, becoming more anxious, vigilant and eventually resentful. While the other person – the ADHD partner – becomes responsible for less and less, and can feel shame and guilt as well as defensive and irritable when asked to do things.
Non ADHD partners often unknowingly take ADHD symptoms personally. For example, feeling unloved because a partner with ADHD loses focus in conversations and interrupts or leaves the conversation entirely.
Emotional reactivity that leads to defensiveness and conflict that gets intense very quickly.
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ADHD can affect a person’s relationships in a few ways, depending on:
What your main ADHD symptoms are. For example, if you find it difficult to finish projects you’ve started once they aren’t very interesting anymore, you may have challenges with a partner who is frustrated with things that are left unfinished. Or if you lose track of time and tend to be late to things, your partner may feel unimportant if you are late to important things with them.
How you choose to work with your particular symptoms. There is no requirement to do anything about ADHD. It is entirely up to you. That said, if you are finding you don’t like the friction in your relationship, or that your partner feels unloved when you really do love them – you may choose to actively engage your ADHD treatment.
Who your partner is. Are you with someone who needs a tidy house to feel calm and you’re someone who just doesn’t see mess? Or are is your partner someone who doesn’t really care about whether the dirty clothes make it into the hamper? Everyone has things they care more and less about, and finding ways to work together on these is the magic stuff of long term relationships.
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ADHD relationships do last, in particular when both people are putting in the work to address their own contributions to the distress they cause each other. And it is inevitable in romantic relationships that we cause the other person distress. As Stan Tatkin says, “you’re annoying! I’m annoying! You’re a burden! I’m a burden!” Change happens when both people are willing to look at how they can work differently on behalf of the health of the couple.
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I see couples for intensive retreats — 15 hours over 3 days.
If just one of you is ready, I also offer individual coaching.
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My rate is $300/hour and retreats are 15 hours. Additionally, there is a one time charge of $300 to cover a portion of the administrative time that I put into each retreat. So the 3 day retreat is $4,800 total.
Follow up work is the same hourly rate of $300/hour, and typically follow up sessions are 3 hours or $900/each.
I offer 3 pay-what-you-can retreats per year, based on a self-assessment sliding scale. Please inquire if you are interested in one of these slots.